Thank you so much for reaching out to the YouthLine! I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It sounds like he has been a very important person in your life and without him you are feeling overwhelmed and isolated with no one to truly understand how you are feeling. I imagine it is very frustrating for you to not have the support of your mom and other family members during this time. People usually react and cope with the death of a loved one in many different ways and it seems to me that your mom is probably dealing with the grief by holding it in and not talking about it. For some people, talking about it is just too painful but for others it can be very helpful. Maybe you could try having another conversation with your mom at a time when you both are not busy and are relatively calm where you could try explaining to her how it makes you feel when she turns you away and is insensitive about the grief you are experiencing over your dad’s death. It sounds to me like it is important for you to have someone you can talk to especially since you are now starting to have panic attacks when you become too upset with nowhere to turn. Have you considered maybe talking to someone other than your mom about your dad’s death, such as a friend, a trusted adult, counselor, etc.?
If you feel as though there is no one you would be comfortable talking to, there are teens that volunteer and answer phone calls Monday-Friday from 2-7pm who will gladly offer a listening ear as well as any resources you may need (1-877-968-8491). You can also text teen2teen to 66746 if you do not want to talk on the phone.
From what you told me, it seems like when you start having a panic attack you feel so out of control and distraught that at one point cutting seemed to be the only option that would help relieve the emotional pain and anxiety. You mentioned that you are afraid you are going to take the cutting farther which leads me to believe that there is a part of you that does not want to make a decision in the heat of the moment that cannot be taken back, but there is also a part of you that maybe doesn’t know any other way to feel better. As someone who cares about your safety and well-being, I hope to be able to offer you encouragement and suggestions so that when you start to feel like cutting, you will have many more options you can turn to. If at all possible, I think it could be very helpful to see a doctor and tell him/her about the panic attacks you are experiencing because it is likely that you could get on medication to help relieve the anxiety you are experiencing and lessen the chance that you will turn to cutting. Also, is there anything that you enjoy doing such as reading, writing in a journal, drawing, painting, running, watching movies, listening to music, etc.? Maybe the next time you feel the urge to cut you could try one of these since they are a healthy way of coping and you don’t have to worry about harming yourself and doing something you might regret.
I wish you all the best and remember you can call 1-877-968-8491 anytime!