I have a boyfriend that is 16 years old. he lives with his
mom. He has been to foster care because his mother chose meth over him but she
got him back and has had him for a few years. for the past 6 months his mother
has been acting wierd and crazy as if using again. I am also friends with her so
i get both sides of the story. they fight alot and she takes things out of
control. she doesnt hit him, its more mental abuse. Right now the current
situation as of tonight is he wouldnt get on a carousel with her so she made him
wlk home (a good 5 or 6 miles) and took his little brother out to eat without
him then grounded him for a month. She expects to keep him in a room were there
cat uses the bathrrom for a month and to clean up all day. he has thought about
calling the police but it would be his word against hers and he is on probation
so that looks even worse. I am trying to get him help and advice on what to do
but i have nothing so im asking for your advice. If he leaves to get out of the
house she reports him as a runaway and he does jail time but if he stays he is
more her slave than son. My parents said he can stay at my place for a few days
til things with his mom calm down. He doesnt want to go to foster care because
some thing happened last time that affected him but he wont go into detail.
sorry this is so long i just know of no one esle to ask for help. thank you.
Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes a lot of courage to
ask for help, and it must be stressful for you to see your boyfriend going
through this hard time. I can see that you really care about him and want to
support him in any way you can. At YouthLine, we have the ability to help you
file an abuse report claim, but we would have to speak to your boyfriend over
the phone first. The Youthline number is 1-877-968-8491, and we are available at
any time. Does your boyfriend have a case worker or a probation officer? He
could file a report with either of those people and it might make it easier
because they already know him. Running away from home probably is not a good
idea because he is on probation, and unfortunately it might not be a good idea
for him to hide out at your parent’s house either because of legal problems that
it could open your family up to. It seems totally understandable for your
boyfriend to have bad feelings towards foster care if he had a bad experience in
the past, but I would imagine that his case worker would have a good idea of
what might be the best situation for him.
The other side of the issue is his mother’s possible relapse.
If you believe that his mom is struggling with meth use again then a good option
could be to call the YouthLine, and together we can try to find possible and
affordable treatment options for her in your area. If your boyfriend does not
want to move out, then perhaps the best thing to do is ensure that his home
situation is a safe one.
I hope that this is helpful for you and your boyfriend. As we
said before our number is 1-877-968-8491 and we also have live
chat available at www.oregonyouthline.org, so if you would like to discuss your
situation with us a little bit more we are always available. Keep in mind our
phone line and chat are completely confidential, and we would be more than happy
to continue to help.
Me and my girlfriend have an age difference of 3 and a half years. I am just about to turn 18 next month. We have known each other for a long time and wanted to be more than just friends. When talking about my birthday and turning 18 my parents were talking about what i could and could not do. One of the things my parents brought up was that i could not have sex with someone under my age.
I know that the law states that its illegal unless the age difference is less than 3 years. But am I really 6 months too old? I have never pressured her, I do what she tells me she wants to do. I told her that if she wants anything sexual she should lead it. I care about her, the last thing i would want to do is to make her feel pressured to do anything.
I don’t want to go to jail over something like this. I wouldn’t want to be separated from her.
so, does it include months difference when it says “Third-degree rape to have sexual intercourse with a person under age 16. Defense that the actor was less than three years older than the victim at the time of the offense”?
Would this mean that we could have sex till i am 18? then we could have to wait 6 months till she was another year older so we could again? would we have to have this off and on period of 6 months till she was 18?
Please help, i don’t want to get myself into legal trouble
Thank you for your time
Thank you so much for coming to us for help. It is really mature of you to inquire about the situation that you’re in with your girlfriend. It is a really difficult position that you’re in, and it is one that many young adults face as they get older.
We looked into the issue and we found the same explanation of the law that you found. Because your girlfriend is under 16 you will be in danger of being in real trouble. On top of that, she is more than 3 years younger than you, which means that even after she reaches the age of 16, your age gap is too large to protect you from the close-in-age exception. The age of consent in Oregon is 18, so with your age gap you will be in danger of serious legal repercussions until she turns 18 as well. It is also important to note that sexual contact is not limited to penile-vaginal intercourse, but even encompasses the touching of breast or buttocks under Oregon state law.
This must be such a painful situation to be in, and I imagine that what we have said is not what you wanted to hear. We at YouthLine feel that the legal troubles that you will be subject to require your full attention and consideration. It sounds like this young woman is very special to you, and so we must advise you to refrain from any sexual contact with her until she turns 18. This will not be an easy conversation to have with her, but your future together will be very different if you have a felony conviction.
From your email it sounds like your parents are very supportive of you, so it might be helpful for you to continue to talk with your parents about your situation, or even have them with you when you decide to talk to your girlfriend.
We wish you the best of luck and are very proud of you for wanting to be responsible. If you would like to call the YouthLine to discuss the situation further you can reach us at 1-877-968-8491.
Check out this website for great information on relationships, including what a healthy relationship looks like as well as an abusive relationship, and even help on how to get out. The website includes personal stories from teens who have been in abusive relationships, and much much more.
Check out this website to find a ton of information on many issues that you could be facing as you grow up. This site targets girls between the ages of 10 to 16, but contains information that could be useful for girls of any age! Some of the information you will find on this site is information on changes that could be happening with your body and questions you may have, information on fitness and nutrition, illness and disability, drugs and alcohol, relationships, bullying, healthy ways to handle stress and anxiety, and much much more! Does anyone have any healthy coping mechanisms that you have found to work well when under a lot of stress? (such as reading a book or going for a walk) Please share! =)
When you’re young, love should be sweet and joyful, not threatening and draining. Those who are in the relationship should have the same values and morals. Abuse does not have to be physical, abusers are commonly survivors of abuse themselves, and abusive relationships progressively get worse over time.
Some questions to ask yourself if you think you may be in an abusive relationship include:
-Do they keep track of my location and freak out if I don’t check in with them constantly?
-Are they jealous/ possessive of me around others?
-Do they suspect with no evidence that I’m unfaithful and/or dishonest with them and call me out on it?
-Have I lost contact with once close friends and family because they forbid it or threaten me?
-Do I feel less self-worth because of their comments or crude jokes or belittling side notes? (ex: You should wear the black dress, it makes your big shoulders look thinner)
-Have I lost control of my money and do I have to check with them before I make a purchase?
-Do I constantly feel ashamed of myself in public when all jokes are about you in a negative way?
-Do they take away things of mine that have sentimental value and get rid of it? (Ex: Oh yeah, I donated those silver and sapphire brushes from your grandmother, it’s not like you used them)
-Do I have to cover up my bruises and scratches from them?
-Do I have to have sex with them against my will?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, these websites can help you determine your next step.
Healthy Relationships have:
– Non-threatening behavior
-Trust and Support
-Honesty and Accountability
Abusive Relationships have:
• Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.
• Smashing or destroying things.
• Destroying or confiscating your partner’s property.
• Abusing pets as a display of power and control.
• Silent or overt raging.
• Displaying weapons or threatening their use.
• Making physical threats.
• Putting your partner down.
• Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.
• Calling your partner names.
• Playing mind games.
• Interrogating your partner.
• Harassing or intimidating your partner.
• “Checking up on” your partner’s activities or whereabouts.
• Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or “jokes”.
• Making your partner feel guilty.
• Shaming your partner.
• Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.
• Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.
• Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.
• Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.
• Using jealousy to justify your actions.
Minimizing, Denying, Blame Shifting:
• Making light of the abuse and not taking your partner’s concerns about it seriously.
• Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn’t that bad.
• Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.)
• Saying your partner caused it.
IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:
Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns.
- These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues.
- Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns.
- People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.
- This applies to the partners of abusers as well – group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships.
If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation.
- Painful, but generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue.
- Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave – stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control.
- Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.
Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side.
- Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse – and helping your partner to stay sick.
- If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.